静

静 the white people translate to tranquility?
静 stirs inside of me, I am still but not tranquil
stare at the framed character on the wall
which white person put that up?
counting up the days you’ve been gone
counting down the nights you’ll be back
a daily routine follows familiar strokes
the daily soul travels uneven tracks

静 the yellow people taught me as still
静 stirs loudly within since you’ve been gone
I am not tranquil staring at this writing on the wall
And who would be?
to have the days count them up
and the nights stare them down
each act of self love following familiar tracks
the soul dragging with every stroke

surrounded by so much stillness
the force inside anything but
ricochet between the walls of rib cage
waiting to spill out from
every pore of this body onto
every surface of you
seeping
into
pushing gently deeply
within
to fill
and nourish
and
love

[October 15, 2019]

I don't

I don't admit to understand what it is like to have your plight
I do admit I admire you for your ability to carry forth in spite
I don't admit I know how to say all the right things at the right
time
I do admit I
can't forget the way you held my right
hand in yours
and my left hand in your left
as I embraced you
to sleep

You hang your sweater off a pinkened shoulder

You hang your detachment off a crooked sweetness

I wonder how you chaffed your shoulder

I wonder how you bent your sweetness

You bring empty beer glasses back to the bar

You bring full paint bottles up to the bronx

I wonder at your red hot conscientiousness

I wonder at your clean white approach

So I want

to know if you were born at dawn

to see you swirl red with white

You gauge my color, canvas fill with novel base

You sip your beer, glass refill with empty space

I wonder at the space between two strokes

I wonder at the space within your curls

So I naturally want

to narrow space with paint

to fill each curl with fingers

So naturally

I wonder

I write her
I love her
I owe her
    nothing

No lines
No games
No props
    everything

slow

I am so slow, too slow to see myself seeing the strange way by which you paint your eye brows, dance your vocal chords as I miss your friends' outstretched hands prolonging stranger land as I think how stranger you delay to extend your arm only upon noticing me notice you. 

And I am still too slow to hold your hand longer, few milliseconds longer, few differences different, to how conscientious I am imagining, hoping you watching me five seconds before I am lost in your clothes flanking a story that makes me dumb like the undulations of muscles in your bare arms I am running imaginary hands, laying imaginary lips the first four seconds I laid cautionary eyes chasing them from chasing you.

The Fight to Lose

I.
we fight a finite fight
we fight to feel different to feel better to feel safe
we fight to win
and we lose the infinite 

II.
To not care for the symbols of society is to depart
and therein conundrum of our species
We fear to depart safety in numbers
Numbers who taught us what is humanity

but if I 
look intently for the Truth without
listen intently to the Truth within

Fear and Bravery become yesteryear
as the Earth under my feet becomes Waves
and in the stead of my legs appear fins
with an Ocean ahead to flow and move and love

to depart and create 
what is humanity

amorphous soup
experience 1 2 3
stir brew heat
  
amorphous road
lights 1 2 3
never comes on

amorphous person
see 1 2 3 
yes to all

I shovel snow. I salt the driveway. I pick her up. I drop her off. I wash the car. I gauge the pressure. I run drivers off the road. I mow weeds off the lawn. I fix the toilet. I brew the coffee. I win the bread. I take out the trash. I take off her clothes. I make her laugh. I make her come. She is my day. I am her knight.

The Last Time

You wanted to finish the movie
So we go back to your place 
I prop your laptop on my belly
I prop my head on your pillow 
I prop my body next to your body

Before I hit play

You leaned in to give me a kiss
So I go back to your lips
I cover your body with mine
I dive under your arms your breath
I sink myself into you oh so soft

Before I move on

You looked like a princess under me
So I slow down to savor
I nibble at your bottom lip taste the coffee in your mouth
I tug and push at your princess hair hold your head so soft
I press my hand on your clavicle cover your heart soft so soft

Before I had to move on

You looked like a princess before me
So I slow my words
I look away from your grey green eyes
I want to be gentle without being soft
I give you no good reason and no good rhyme

The Tuesday Feb 11 Film

I walk out the door 9 a.m. 
bright sun in sky, bright snow on ground
air clear and wind cool
Beautiful grey cement, I have missed you for so many years
I move on that grey, whitened by the salt of yesterday's snow
knowing I would never walk on grey with her again 
and I taste bittersweet on my heart

Content 
with everything I have and everything I don't

I walk out the door 9 a.m.
the opening scene of a film
I, a mere character
striving to direct  

Alexis

I.

I can give you some
I can give you more
but you want more than some and more

I can take from you
I can take from us
but I will protect you from me and me from me

you are gentle sweet girl
a thing I know not how to adore
a thing I have never met before
you are too good in ways
I am unready for

you want more than some and more
you should be given sum of all

II.

evolutions 
sandwiched by past and future
wake from pain fulfillment self reveal

wait for new takes new gives a new self keel

the future me and the now you, fill
the now me and the now you, nil
evolved versions of me
evolved versions of you 
kaleidoscoped stories of me and you

who is unsure cannot give
who cannot give shall not take

my sweet dear girl
I give you all of all by taking nil of nil

III.

sit confused and irked and alone
eternal discontent curious to beat

sweet gentle young wife to be

1. Alvarado not for Alvarado but to ice pick the thereafter 

2. Con woman leaves lasting pros and an amateur con

3. Laurd of the Septum and Carbon Rings run stripper heel book holders 

4. Sophocles brought a soft heart from Paris to New Amsterdam

5. Cinder blocks ghetto block parties with Sebring convertibles

6. Bell Blvd Bar mixers mix a time so late for work

7. Schmuck shucks ego blow up sup elevate to new league

8. Bo-ooogie man walks red carpet via desperate entertainment industry 

9. K-Pain rappin out J Crew prep to cruise this ego

10. AtxEuroPesos prostitute a well sold whoredom

11. ALabamda EXchange the queer for the flirt, exchange big for right

12. MariaK, forget-you-nots, The dance that never ended and never will

13. St Nicholas brings candied fish to a young boy

14. Pontine nuclei localization to a quick lesion

15. Michigan States this is her first girl

16. Journal of the ESsential Sociedad of Special Needs

17. Job Openings (for) Economist, DDS self prescribes sildenafil

18. VinnDiagrams stuff puppy dogs in circles of rules and regulations

19. Auburn locks lock this heart into a tender sweet tomato soup in Bushwick

20. Laurel wreaths repeating leaps and bounds across the Throgsneck bridge
21. Sarah discovered herself her hands on me around me inside me while he watched and fell
22. Railroads feed me john galt's BigMac at the reddened RonaldMcDonald loft

23. Raggedy curls soaked in skene's glands as I pass lackadaisical hands

24. Fee for bee that only wee wee is a fee I cannot tee

25. Sweet gentle young wife to be whose dreams with me I put down gentle and sweet
26. Cut you did and cut you will but your dark lusty curls I, kaiser, lust at dawn
27. The wild rose of prospect park burn and blow to hear your song cross ire land
28. writer of crowns and heights never forget the holocaust loss cross street I do 
29. other street mcat 37 heart cells 37 with no more no less of nerve cells
30. Can't predict the alchemist not predicting the surgeon's unpredictable blade

Clear

I lift the sphere of energy, tumultuous energy, 
below in my heart
rise above animalistic stupidity
the line of which is drawn at
draw
my neckline
aim at the circle of my head
Bull's eye
Bow's sky

All becomes organized
All becomes clear
Clear winter
Sky
Clear winter 
Eye

Despite which anyone may think, my Brain rules my Heart. 

Both Heart and Brain are grateful for this fact.

We, my friend. We are in perfect control. Perfect.

Call me detached. Call me Wind.

Train Passing

i am thankful 
to pull in behind the line of cars
respite the responsibility of my pedal
and watch this train pass
a S. Alamo Street

i am thankful
to respite the responsibility of my pedal
and watch this woman pass
an Alamo battle 

center stage code blue
watch her unreal body
hybrid of my own skin and that of cadaver 
smooth loops of bowel externalized 
rough ride of life internalized

center stage lights blue
watch her unreal body
hybrid of my own skin and that of angel
smooth pirouettes of emotionality externalized 
rough fate of death internalized

i am thankful
to watch her unreal body pass

A Pelagic Apology

you squeeze and yank at the pillow under your raggedy curls
like a baby goldfish you pop air bubbles from bubble lips
but possessed I am fervently busied with a mission for fishin'
and 'fore long my hook be yankin' and I am overboard  
a big splash of fluid and an apology immersed

just an itch

the nerve said to the muscle: Twitch

and twitch the bitch sure dint ditch but he who is so kitchy cant in no form or shape let his britches be ditched

sitch may be tits bits and hits but switch the kidz kedz catch and the sitch we stitch with so much grit

moody's and fitch rate blank wits let the country go a lit and sit yes sit sit yo ass down my tits my slit bliiiiiiiitz

blitz that charging bull with so much ritz hitchin' and richin' like a boar whisperin' to scratch my itch

no German on this home front frontin' on the NYSE floor and score! Twitch you got the nerve of a bitch hittin' the floor of this exchange and ride the wild boar market ain't no loose change for losing those britches to rub no switch on so much form shape and tits those lips be blitzin' over so much ritz 

so go and Twitch

pg. 5. block

block me Here and block me Right but bat your lid and Left I did

Priority

I used you as the pen to scribble out my fantasy
I use tear drops to dot I's and eyes
Because I am nobody's priority

I used fear as the light atop my worldly peak
I use dark oak to lean my body and encase my heart
Because what else is priority